Knives in my Back

It’s hard to see the world for what it really is. It’s hard to learn that people who you believed in weren’t worthy of your time, let alone your belief. These things will never be easy, often they are downright sad, but nothing lasts forever and you can get through hurt and betrayal and come out the other side pumping your fist as long as you:

Do what you know is right and never, never give up.

After I’d taken all the knives from my back just recently – which, by the way took a considerable amount of time to do seeing there were so many of them – I was sad and I was even a bit angry, but not much. Mostly I was shocked to learn that people I’d thought were my friends had never been my friends, then I just started to feel really, really sorry for them. Not only had they missed the whole point of getting to know someone, they’re missing out on being happy because they’re insecure and take that feeling of insecurity out on anyone who does seem secure. All they have to do to fix this is to take responsibility for their own feelings. Not complicated, but not necessarily easy.

These people told me I was a bad person, that I was selfish and insinuated that I was dangerous. I know they only did this to protect their emotional position (this happens when people have limited emotional intelligence and no sense of accountability), but it was still hurtful. It’s ok to be hurt though. You know why? Because I’m human, just like everyone else and guess what? Humans have emotions and of course I’m going to get hurt by someone telling me that I’m a bad person, when I know I’m not, especially when that person had been acting like they “had my back” right from the start.

They did have my back, I guess, just in a way I’d not seen coming; putting multiple knives into it. They recruited others to get a knife in my back whenever they got the chance and before I knew it, I was bleeding like a little bitch all over the place. What a mess I had to clean up! It didn’t take me long though, only a day and I bounced right back. That’s what you can do when you’ve been challenging yourself your whole life with impossible feats of endurance and will.

That’s what I’m getting at here: if you start challenging yourself everyday, when the shit hits the fan you will be better able to cope with the stink raining down all around you and after the crap stops flying, you won’t feel bad for long or even at all, but only as long as you stick to what’s right and never capitulate. If you’ve done nothing wrong, there’s no need to back down, but don’t involve yourself in acts of destructive revenge. Smart revenge is perfectly acceptable. What I mean here is that if someone has committed an offence against you, you should report them to the appropriate authority. I also mean that it’s ok to say “NO” to someone and I also mean it’s ok to expect to be treated humanely and without threat in your workplace, home or in public. It’s ok to want to be safe, accepted and valued for who you are as a person.

This has been a great opportunity to learn some awesome life lessons. The cool guy I’m married to said to me, “the best lessons come by the hardest roads.” You can never see that in the moment, but once you’ve developed a bankroll of resilience, the lessons come soon after. The lesson I learnt here is that I’m too honest. In the spirit of openness I overshared with these people and they used that information against me, which is something I would never do to someone, but other people are driven by different values than me and it’s likely I will never understand that, but that’s ok because I love mysteries.

Be bold now and when you need boldness it will arrive on its own


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