In the beginning God created calories. Now the calories were formless and empty, and flavourlessness was over the palettes, and the spirit of appetite was hovering over the pits of stomachs. And God said, “let there be flavour,” and there was flavour. God saw that the flavour was good, and he separated hunger from satiety. God called hunger Calorie Counting and he called satiety Pussiness. And there was exercise and there was running – real exercise.
And God said, “let there be a vault between endurance and speed to separate real runners from the other runners. So God made the vault and separated the runners under the vault from the runners above it. And it was so. God called the vault distance. And there was sprinting and there was marathon– real running.
And God said, “let the runners under the sky be gathered to one place, and let a trail appear. “ And it was so. God called the trail Ultra. And God saw that it was good.
Then God said, “let commitment produce athletes of various kinds” And it was so. The commitment produced athletes according to their various goals. And God saw that it was good. And there was stride length, and there was performance and there was endurance– the ability to overcome.
And God said, “Let there be carbs, protein and fats to separate the macros, and let them serve as signs that your diet is balanced, healthy and robust, and let them be a guide to all runners to illuminate the way.” God made aerobic training to govern pussies and anaerobic training to govern the elite. He also made energy. And God saw that it was good. And there was time and distance – the real measure.
And God said, “let the calories be vast and flavoursome.” So God created calories of kinds so that the very air teems with their presence. And God saw that it was good. God blessed the calories and said, “be fruitful and increase in number and fill the entire world.” And there was fructose, sucrose and glucose – the best kind of sugar.
And God said, “let the athletes become the best they can be by counting every single calorie that passes by their way.” And it was so. God made trans fats and long chain carbohydrates. And God saw that it was good.
Then God said, “Let us make athletes in the real image of humans so that athletes may rule over whingers and lazy bastards.”
So God created athletes in the real image of humans, male and female both.
God blessed them and said to them, “Be hard, don’t quit and smash down walls. Fill the earth and inspire pussies.”
Then God said, “I give you flavour, calories, skills, abilities, tenacity, drive and purpose.” And it was so.
God saw all that had been made, and it was very good. And there was fast twitch fibres and slow twitch fibres- the real kind of muscle fibres
And God recorded his calories after his workout, then he stretched after all that he done. He held his stretches for 10 seconds and sanctified them and called it the Cool Down.