Own your own worry

Last night I had a conversation with some people about the way I live my life. The general consensus from the male perspective is that I’m doing dangerous stuff and shouldn’t be doing it. One man said, “if you were my daughter I wouldn’t let you do that.” Um, but, hello, me and the daughter are both women in our forties who have autonomy over our own lives and decisions, so it’s not up to third parties to decide for us what we can and can’t do. I wonder then, how did he think he would enforce this control or police it? I also have men ask me, “does your husband let you do that?” To which I respond, “It’s not up to him. He’s not in charge of me. I am.”

I do some hardcore stuff. Stuff that I accept is not considered “normal”, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong or dangerous, it just means that it’s not mainstream and when people hear about it, they don’t know what to make of it and it makes them uncomfortable, especially men. I’ve noticed that women respond much differently and are for the most part very interested in what I do. I’ve yet to come across a woman who says, “If you were my daughter I wouldn’t let you do that.”

The main issue that comes up is the idea that “someone” is going to “get” me. And that causes worry, which causes discomfort, which is then somehow my fault.  Ok, so there’s two problems with this. One is the totally illogical idea that someone is going to get me. It’s dumb for several reasons:

  • old mate isn’t just going to hide out in the national park for months on end in the hope that me specifically is going to wander along at some random point in the day or night
  • the world isn’t as dangerous as everyone thinks it is, even though the media and Facebook newsfeeds have brain washed us into believing that everyone is out to bomb,rob, kill and rape us
  • the most dangerous place for a woman is in her own home with a man she knows, not hiking alone at night or doing anything at anytime of day or night on her own
  • women can look after themselves and don’t need the constant presence of a man or permission of a man to do whatever the hell they want to do
  • I am not stupid
  • Would they think the same thing if I was male

The other problem is about the discomfort of worry. I get that people are concerned about different things. That’s fine. I get concerned too, but I rarely worry in the sense that thinking about something a certain way elicits an emotional state. That’s because it’s a pointless waste of time. Worrying never changed anything, it just made you feel like crap.

Three men, who are all my friends said, “Don’t do that because I will worry about you.” I said, “Ok, thanks, but that’s not actually my problem.” See, it isn’t. It’s really not. Not at all. If you worry about someone, then that’s your monkey, not the person’s you’re worrying about. Worrying about someone makes you feel uncomfortable, which you then try to transfer onto said person, attempting to arrest their desire to do whatever it is that is causing you to worry, so they won’t do it and thus alleviating your worry and discomfort. Take this little story for example:

Jane: I’m going to hike the Fraser Island Great Walk by myself next weekend.

Dick: Really? I don’t think you should. Not by yourself.

Jane: Why not?

Dick: The dingos and stuff, it could be dangerous. I’ll worry about you.

Then, Jane is who is a really nice chic, but has yet to fully embrace autonomy over her own life concedes that maybe Dick is right. After all, she really cares about him and doesn’t want to upset him. It was silly of her to think that she could do these things alone.

Jane: Yeah, I suppose you’re right. I don’t want to worry you.

Dick: Ahh, that’s good.

And back they go to watching TV and swiping on their phones. Problem seemingly solved, well, for Dick anyway.

Women don’t need to have the permission of men to live the life they want. If you want to do something and a man says that it will cause him to worry, let him own his own worry. You don’t have to be as blunt as me by saying that it’s not your problem, but just remember that it’s really not, not at all, never was.

Embrace autonomy. It’s yours for the taking.

 

Goodbye Jack. I will never forget you.

My friend Jack passed away yesterday. I wrote this story about him in 2012. It was the first non-fiction story I ever wrote. It was for a university assessment.

Badly Drawn Boy

The first tattoo I ever saw was on my brother’s ankle.  It was a badly drawn skull and dagger.  I was fascinated by it, and as he got older and sported more tattoos, I became hooked on the indelible ink that tells a story of a life.

Jack and I sit on my verandah.  Florence and the Machine play on the radio in the background and I feel watched like I always do when I’m out here so close to the road. Jack smokes and leans back over the railing to ash his cigarette in a way that looks completely natural, as if he has lived in this house his whole life.  I don’t tell him, but he is the only person I allow to smoke on this verandah.  Everyone else must go down onto the yard, and they are never allowed to drop their butts on the grass.  I make exceptions for Jack.  I don’t tell him where to put his butt.  I find one later in my favourite pot plant, but I don’t hold it against him.

I met Jack at the local pub. We were at a charity auction and my husband introduced us, whispering to me, “he’s the one who blows stuff up and sets the dump on fire,” before wandering off to talk to someone else.  Jack stayed with me, pouring out the details of his escapades.  He showed me the videos on his mobile phone of washing machines and microwaves being hurled skywards, while he and his friends ran laughing to safer ground.  I feel sorry for Jack now that our small country town dump has been fenced off, his own fires and explosions partially to blame.

On the verandah Jack and I eat peanut cookies that are too hard. As he stretches and yawns I notice the tattoo on his arm.  It’s his newest one, but for the moment I am more interested in the one hidden by the leg of his shorts.  It started out as a swastika.

It was around 2.30am New Year’s night and Jack and his mate were as Jack puts it, “pretty fucking blind.”  His mate had a tattoo gun and suggested that they give it a go. He wanted a skull, so Jack got the gear ready and started drawing a skull on his mate’s leg. The drunken drawing ended up rough as guts with no straight lines at all. Ever the smart arse, Jack decided that the tattoo would only be improved if he added his initials, JDG.  His mate was less than impressed when he realised what Jack was writing on his leg, so to avoid a flogging, Jack allowed his mate to apply his own artistic skills to one of his legs. His mate drew a small swastika above the right knee.  The guys thought they were pretty cool and off they went to bed.  The next morning was a different story and Jack felt like a bit of fuckwit when he woke up with a Nazi symbol on his leg.

Jack works for the Gold mine in our little country town.  He drives huge dump trucks, shifting tonnes of ore at a time.  Bored one night shift, he climbed out of the cab, stripped down to his undies and photographed himself hanging off the side of the truck, one hand rubbing a nipple.  He wore sunglasses for disguise, but I’m fairly certain that if the photo ever fell into the wrong hands, the sunglasses wouldn’t be worth much.  The mine boss knows Jack is the only larrikin who would pull that stunt, but I think people in town have a soft spot for Jack, the mine boss included.

Jack yawns and stretches, then takes another cookie.  I don’t think he likes them, I sure as hell don’t, but he’s being polite.  He’s got nice manners and I like having him around.  He’s the only person in town who regularly calls in for a cuppa.  We are always careful to sit outside, because small towns have a way of creating plots where they don’t exist.

Not long after an Indigenous nurse almost spotted the swastika on his leg during a routine medical for the mine, Jack decided it was time to cover it up.  He headed off to a mate’s place in Gaeta, which is the North Burnett’s answer to Nimbin. He didn’t want any more backyard tattoos, but I wonder if the small studio set up at his mate’s house was much different. I think about the overpowering smell of antiseptics that pervades good tattoo parlours and hope that is what Jack experienced as he walked through the door.  Jack wasn’t picky about what he wanted and told his mate to go for his life and draw whatever he liked, just as long as he covered up the swastika. He felt irritated by the constant sharpness of the tattoo needle as it pricked his skin, but it wasn’t really painful.  He thought easily of a dozen things that hurt much worse.  His mate drew and stopped every now and then to re-ink the needle. He wiped away excess ink from Jack’s leg and then started drawing again. The tattoo gun emitted a high pitched buzzing, which added to the irritation of the needle piercing the skin, kind of like a giant mosquito, but the tattooist chatted away and distracted Jack from the irritating sound and sensation.  The tattoo that started out as a swastika finished as a very well-drawn Frankenstein. It looked great and Jack was really happy with it.

I got to see the Frankenstein one night at the pub.  Jack was there with a handful of local lads having a beer. He had his work pants on, so he unzipped, pulled them down to his feet and proudly stood in his undies so I could see his new ink.  I thought it looked really good, but was careful not to appear too enthusiastic in front of the other pub patrons.  Who knows what they made of a married woman staring at a half-naked young man’s upper thigh.  Jack certainly didn’t care.

I watch Jack drag on his cigarette and wonder what he’s thinking. He hasn’t stopped stretching and yawning since we sat down.  It’s really bright on the verandah and his sunglasses prevent me from seeing the expression in his eyes but his body language reveals that he’s comfortable just hanging out with me in the winter sun talking about tattoos, Nazis and blowing up shit.  He rests his hands on his head and leans back in his chair.

Jack and I know that tattoos can be both beautiful and ugly. What appears ugly to some may be beautiful to others, which is something Jack experienced as a young artist when he discarded a stencilled desert scene in primary school. He thought it was ugly. The vulture, snake, cactus, and sun brought to life by a ten year old boy with a toothbrush and paint was destined not for the rubbish bin, but an art gallery to be sold for $80 thanks to being rescued by the school principal.

Jack went on to excel at art in high school but  It’s been 3 or 4 years since he left school and when I ask him why he doesn’t draw anymore, he cannot answer.  The art on his body is the only evidence that he has an affinity for passions captured in images of ink, paint and charcoal.

Jack decided it was time to get some new ink.  He adopted a horror theme after Frankenstein and drove his Holden ute to see a tattooist in a nearby town.  The tattooist was a professional and accomplished artist with an accredited studio, but like most tattooists, was a little on the strange side. Jack allowed him to guide his decisions about placement of the faces and figures in the semi-sleeve on his forearm.  One face was the character of Michael Myers from the old-school horror movie Halloween; the other was Jesus-Frankenstein from a Rob Zombie album cover.  Jack has always loved the old school movies because they were classy, unlike the stuff churned out by Hollywood nowadays.  He was stoked with his new ink and drove back home thinking of adding some colour to the greywash and how far he might extend the ink up his arm.

Jack showed up at my house one day keen to see my books on wildlife identification.  His mate had seen a strange paw print and they thought one of my wildlife books might help them work out what it was.  None did, but we sat for a good while talking about wildlife while Jack thumbed through one of my field guides.  He wanted to see a platypus and thought there might be one in the creek up the back of his house.  He told me about the bilby that had been on his front verandah one morning when he woke up, how it had hung around for a while, and then took off, never to be seen again.

I think Jack has a soft spot for animals. He told me once that he’d seen a dog that had fallen from a ute tray get run over by a truck. The dog wasn’t dead and he watched the owner heartlessly pick the animal up and hurl it into the bush on the side of the road. He said he wanted to stop and punch the prick in the head, but he kept on driving, probably feeling sick and angry at what had just happened.

When I first heard about Jack, then saw him in person, I thought he was a bit wayward.  My husband told me that he was a good guy, but that he might appear to be someone who could easily go bad.  To look at my friend, you would probably think the same.  His blonde hair is unruly, he has a pretty foul mouth with a typical Aussie drawl.  He often looks like he’s recovering from a big night and of course, there’s the big tattoo on his arm, not to mention the fact that he’s seen as the local larrikin. I guess I thought him a typical young person with not much direction, but I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Jack still wants to blow shit up, but instead of doing it with homemade explosives at the local dump, he forked out the three thousand dollar fee and got a qualification to become a shot firer.  After logging five single shots with an assessor he will be fully qualified to store explosives and conduct domestic blasts and mine blasts.

He’s also keen to make sure that his tattoos have meaning and that they relate somehow to his life.  He’s not interested in following trends or copying what some footballer has. His indelible ink will show a little of his inside on the outside and let him be true to who he is, even in this very small town of ours.

Tickets, tickets, tickets!

Tickets for the Women’s Adventure Film Tour now on sale here. It’s $12 you will never regret spending.

I’ve just spent the last 3 hours dealing with tickets for this event and buying tickets to go to another event. I’ve had what seems like a bazillion conversations with other people and with my own self in the last week about tickets for one thing or another (Florence and the Machine, Scooter, dance parties, a half marathon, Woodford Folk Festival, flights, train travel, blah, blah, blah) and now the word ticket just seems like the weirdest word I’ve ever heard. Know what I mean? If not, just pick a word and keep saying it over and over again until it just sounds really stupid. It’s a weird phenomenon! Phenomenon, there’s another one. Say that fifty times and see how you feel about it.

Putting on this film is one giant adventure. I’ve never done anything like this before and I have no idea what I’m doing or what to expect. Yeah, it would be easier for me to just say, “nah, let someone else do it. I don’t know how.” But if I did that I’d be missing an awesome opportunity to do something that basically scares the pants off me. Doing stuff that’s hard, scary and uncomfortable is the best way to learn new shit. In that case I must be one of the most learned people out there!

If I chickened out of doing this, then everyone misses out. The film isn’t going to promote itself and magically arrive in town and screen on its own. If I want people to embrace adventure as something that can shape their lives, then this is what I have to do; I have to go outside my comfort zone. Banging on about stuff on this website can only reach so many people (I think I have a total of 3 followers and my Facebook page has a total of 1).

I want adventure to be inclusive, so I’ve included the community of Bundaberg on the national tour. I hope you’ll include yourself in the audience.

Here’s some Scooter to round things off:

 

 

 

Women’s Adventure Film Tour

Because I care so much about adventure and women’s health I am giving the lucky buggers in Bundaberg and surrounding areas the opportunity to come to an awesome event on the 8th of September. The Women’s Adventure Film Tour is a conglomeration of inspirational short films about girls and women of all ages from Australia and around the world. It showcases everyday women and girls doing amazing things in spectacular locations all around the planet. The films are all beautiful and moving; once seen, never forgotten.

I am personally hosting this event at the Moncrief Theatre and I really hope I can count on the support of the community to make it a success. If nothing else, you will get to see me get up on stage and talk for no more than five minutes about how great I am. Then, if you are really lucky, you will be able to buy my book called One Foot After the Other, which is an account of a long distance solo hike I undertook in 2016…hopefully…the book isn’t published yet, but fingers crossed it will be. I can always take orders though, so don’t despair, you won’t miss out!

I’m still trying to sort tickets out, so I will post a link for them when they become available. They will be $12 each, which is a reduced price I have negotiated based on social inclusion and demographics. Normally they’re $25.

Here’s one of my favourite films from last year’s tour:

Running into the Moon

I went for a run on the beach. It was just getting dark as I arrived. I’ve been avoiding running in the dark for a while because some bastard stole the three $2 solar lights I’d put at the start/finish and the 8km and 10km turn arounds. I don’t know how (or why) they got them down because the one at the start was at the very top of a huge pole (although this one could have rusted off) and the other two were way up in trees in the dunes. I must admit, the ones in the trees were kind of freaky. You could see them way off in the distance bobbing around like they were spectres hanging in mid air. Perhaps curiosity, not tightarsedness got the better of whoever took them.

After the lights disappeared I tried running a few times in the dark, but everything just looks so different at night. I could never make out where the start/finish was and a couple of times I ran straight past it. I lamented, “Oh woe is me! I need to run, but it’s dark, how will I cope? Oh, life is so hard.” Then I remembered that I had a headlamp.

“That will never work. It will just keep falling down the whole time. It will be annoying and get in the way. Don’t do it. Just go home and do nothing instead,” my mind said.

“You again! How many times have I told you to shutup?” my brain yelled.

Gees, I thought, aggressive much? Someone really needs a runner’s high by the sounds of it.

So off I set with my headlamp, which by the way, doesn’t fall down, doesn’t get in the way and is only the smallest bit annoying.

The moon sat huge in the distance, not far above the water, and as I ran I felt that I was running into the moon. I didn’t even need my headlamp because the moon was its own dark sun. My bare feet hit the sand at their own pace and my breathing became steady and rhythmical. I marvelled at the awesome tool my body is. I felt my abdominal muscles flexing and working with the slight rotation of my body as I moved ever closer to the moon. I visualised my shoulder muscles working and building as they moved my arms in time with my legs. I ran into the moon and I was the moon. I became the beach and became the run. I was the air and I was the night.

I was able to surrender myself completely to the experience because a while back I decided to try something new. I’d never been a runner, never. In fact, I avoided running with the same conviction that I now approach it. I’m never going to be the fastest or best runner, but that’s not my goal. My goal is to run and sometimes, just by doing that, I get to run into the moon.

I’m not interested in personal bests or negative splits or sprint training or timed track races or uploading my stats to Strava. I’m interested in beauty and that simply can’t be measured. I want my runs to be beautiful and I want to feel beautiful and be beautiful because of them. And I do and I am.

Don’t be put off by what others can do or have accomplished. It’s what you can accomplish that matters. It took me what seemed like forever to run 5km without feeling like I was going to die, but bit by bit, I got there. If my goal was speed I would have given up, but with a goal like beauty, I can’t lose because beauty is everywhere, especially when you’re running into the moon.

runner-1863202_1920

We arrive in the night, We come alive in the night…we’ll run the expanse in the absence of light…under stars we breathe the night.

Hilltop Hoods